Alone
by particularly good finder
Summary: "Understand, we'll go hand-in-hand, but we'll walk alone in fear."   Remus wonders when he became so very alone.


Remus Lupin stared out the window, wondering how he ended up so alone.

* * *

><p><em>where do we go from here?<em>

* * *

><p>Remus sat with Lily and Alice in the library, studying intently for their N.E.W.T.s. Alice kept fidgeting, eyes never focusing on a page long enough for her to absorb any information. Lily closed her own book, and looked pointedly at her friend.<p>

"Did you drink Pepper Up potion by mistake again, Alice?" She asked, voice slightly amused, but mostly irritated. Alice started laughing hysterically, and Lily gave Remus a bemused look.

"Frank proposed!" Alice shouted, bouncing in her seat. "He proposed and we're getting married!"

Lily shrieked, and pulled the girl in for a hug. Madame Pince, the young yet overly stern librarian, shushed them, glaring at Remus as if _he'd_ been the one to make all the noise.

(Though, considering who he spent most of his time with, he didn't blame her.)

"Alice, that's fantastic. Congratulations," he whispered, covering the girl's hand in his own. She beamed.

"I never, ever thought I'd be the first to settle down," she continued in a softer tone. "But then again, I never thought I'd meet someone like Frank, either."

Studying was clearly forgotten by the three teenagers, and they continued to talk in excited whispers.

"So when's James gonna pop the question?" Alice finally asked, giving Lily a wicked grin. Lily sputtered, and Remus tried very hard not to laugh.

"Oh, I don't really- I mean, we've only been dating for a few months- I mean, not that I'd be opposed- but, really, it's much too soon- Remus, how're you and Sirius?"

"Me and Sirius?" Remus asked cautiously. He could feel heat rising in his cheeks, but he feigned innocence, unsure of what to say.

"Oh, come off it," Alice said, shoving his arm. "We all see the way you two look at each other. Or is it 'casual?'" She rolled her eyes at the last part, as if a strictly casual sexual relationship between Remus and Sirius was absurd.

"I honestly have no idea-" Remus started, but Lily cut him off with a look. "It's casual."

The two girls giggled, and shuffled in closer, faces excited and a little naughty. "How far have you gone?" Alice asked, ignoring Lily's flushed cheeks.

Remus looked down, embarrassed, answering Alice's inquiry. She bit back a squeal, and Lily looked a little too enthralled in his sex life.

"Top or bottom?" Alice asked, and this time Lily had to hide her face in her arms to quell the awkward giggles. Remus sighed.

"None of your business, Prewett. Don't make me dock points for your unhealthy obsession with how I fuck."

Remus's uncharacteristically foul language was the final straw for Lily and Alice. They both let out uproarious laughs, and all three were quickly shooed out of the library.

As they headed back to Gryffindor Tower, they passed by Sirius and James. James quickly kissed Lily, saying something about detention with Slughorn, and then he and Sirius were on their way. Before they rounded the corner, though, Alice called out, "You're a lucky, _lucky_ man, Black!"

He paused, glanced at Remus, then grinned. "Don't I know it, Mrs. _Longbottom_."

* * *

><p><em>the battle's done<br>__and we kind of won_

* * *

><p>October 31, 1981 was the night of a full moon.<p>

When Remus managed to drag himself back to his dingy, little flat the next morning, he already knew something was wrong. This transformation had been the most painful he'd ever had, and as he walked up the stairs, his stomach was filled with dread.

_I wonder if Sirius will be dropping by,_ he thought. _I haven't seen him in days._

He pulled the key from one pocket, and his wand from another. Slowly and carefully, he pushed the door open, _stupefy_ on the tip of his tongue.

"Hullo, Remus."

Remus fired off a stunning spell, but, luckily for his intruder, he missed. Hestia Jones smiled bleakly at him.

"How are you feeling?" She asked, not unkindly. Remus waved off the question.

"Who?" Hestia looked away, biting her lip.

"The Potters."

"No." Remus felt himself sinking into a chair. "No, no, no. It can't be."

Hestia stood, and walked towards the kitchen. "I'll make you tea."

"But that means…" he struggled to speak, throat closing up with emotion. "That means that Sirius…"

"We haven't been able to find him," Hestia called as she set up the kettle. She poked her head back into the tiny sitting area/bedroom. "I'm sorry, Remus, but he's either dead, or on the other side, now."

Remus felt bile rising in his throat, and he barely made it to the water closet before retching violently. Hestia, ever the mother hen, appeared by his side, and rubbed his back soothingly.

"I know you two were close," she whispered, a suggestive edge in her voice. "And I know how much you loved the Potters." She didn't say, _I'm sorry_, and for that, Remus was glad.

"So, the war- the prophecy-"

Hestia shook her head, smiling sadly. "You-Know-Who is dead, Remus. Little Harry survived." She laughed. "Harry Potter defeated the Dark Lord – the whole world is celebrating right now."

Funnily enough, Remus didn't feel much like celebrating.

* * *

><p><em>so we sound our victory cheer<br>_

* * *

><p>In James's mind, the everlasting war against Severus Snape had been won, and he was the victor. He had the hand of the lovely Lily Evans, he had the three best friends in the world, and <em>he<em> wasn't the one puking maggots on the floor of the Great Hall.

The best part was, he hadn't been the one to spike Snape's food. It had been a second year Hufflepuff girl. How embarrassing was _that_?

It was a victory for all the Marauders, really, he'd said. Sirius had presented his roommates with a large bottle of Firewhiskey in celebration, and Pete had snuck down to the kitchens for biscuits.

So they drank and they sang and they ate too many biscuits and they laughed, all at the expense of their long-time enemy. Pete pretended to vomit maggots all over James's bed, and they all thought it was so hilarious that they made him reenact it again and again.

Towards the end of the night, after one too many swigs of the potent drink, Remus extracted himself from Sirius's arms to rush to the loo, where he was promptly sick. Sirius came by, and stroked his hair and gave him water and tucked him into bed, all while James and Peter snored loudly from their spots on the dorm floor.

Remus felt sick the next day, with the worst hangover he'd ever had, and he wondered vaguely if Snape had poisoned their drink.

Then, he decided, it was karma, and the inexplicable guilt in his chest eased just a tiny bit.

* * *

><p><em>why is the path unclear?<br>when we know home is near_

* * *

><p>Alice Lonbottom waddled over to the Potter's couch, humming a silly little tune.<p>

"Ugh, Harry's been kicking all afternoon. Cheeky little bugger," Lily muttered, rubbing at her oversized belly. Alice giggled.

"I wish Neville'd kick more. He's a timid little one, just like his father."

"Oi!" Frank walked into the living room with James and Sirius. "Certified Auror, here!" His wife rolled her eyes lovingly. "And besides, that boy is going to be a hero one day."

"Just like his father," Alice said, all joking gone from her voice. Frank pecked her cheek softly.

Lily groaned again. "Potter, your son's just as annoying as you are. Congratulations."

James beamed at his cranky wife, and held up a shopping bag. "I brought peanut butter."

Hoisting herself up from the couch, Lily pulled her husband into a passionate kiss. "I don't think I've ever love you more than in this moment."

"Cravings that bad, eh, Lils?" Sirius asked, a cheeky smirk on his face. Lily glowered at him.

"Make the dog go away, Potter," she grumbled, before waddling into the kitchen with the bag of peanut butter. James just laughed, and plopped down next to Alice and Frank.

Just as he was about to make a comment on baby Neville's due date, the fireplace blazed with green light, and Remus stepped out, dusting soot from his threadbare robes. His face was grim.

"Marlene's dead," he managed to croak. "They got her entire family. Even the baby."

Alice gasped, and Sirius knocked over a chair. From the kitchen, the sound of a plate breaking echoed through the silence.

"No…" James breathed, running a hand through his hair. "Marlene…" Frank pulled Alice closer to him, and Lily stormed out, tears in her eyes.

"Josie?" She finally asked, fists clenched. "Those bastards killed little Josie McKinnon?"

Remus nodded shakily, then promptly collapsed into an armchair. Frank let out a shaky breath.

The room was dead silent, then Lily spoke again. "What the hell are we doing?"

"What?" Alice turned to her friend, blinking back tears. Lily paced the floor, face slowly turning red.

"What the hell are we doing? Bringing innocent children into the world in a time like this?" Sirius shrank back from the hurricane that was Lily Potter. "That could be Harry! Or Neville! We're just as likely to die as Marlene; we're just as targeted. Why are we doing this?"

She sank down in a chair, hands trembling. James rushed to kneel by her side, brushing a soothing hand through her hair.

"Because, otherwise, they'd win."

It was Alice who spoke, arms wrapped around her belly protectively. Remus looked up, a little surprised.

Alice continued. "We have to keep on living, war or no war. When we live in fear, the Deatheaters have won. When life isn't about living anymore, they've won. They've taken so many lives from this world – but we're bringing two in."

Lily laughed darkly. "So we're bringing two more lambs to the slaughter."

"Lily!" James remarked, tightening his grip on her hand. She was starting to frighten him.

"No…" Frank said, eyes downcast. "We're bringing two more soldiers to the war."

* * *

><p><em>when does the end appear?<em>_  
><em>_when do the trumpets cheer?_

* * *

><p>Remus sank lower into Hestia's couch, gratefully accepting her offer of tea. Her son, three-year-old Orson, ran past, chasing the family cat.<p>

"They're all gone. I can't believe it – First Lily and James, now Peter-" He winced. Peter's death had happened three weeks ago, but the wounds were still as raw and aching as were the ones left by the death of the Potters. "All betrayed by the greatest man I ever knew." He took a long sip of tea, letting it soothe the lump in his throat.

"I know it's hard to believe," Hestia said, ushering Orson from the sitting room. "But war changes people. Don't let your memories of Sirius become sullied by his new madness. He wasn't always this way."

Remus laughed darkly. "I loved him. Really and truly. If I had told him that, do you think he would have still done the same? Would it have kept him on our side?"

Hestia gave him a sad smile, and offered him a scone. He took it and bit into the sugary dough, not tasting a single bite. "He may have killed you as well."

"Or he may have loved me back." Remus set down his tea and closed his eyes. "How are Alice and Frank?"

The older woman looked down, shaking her head. "Not well. The Healers say they'll recover physically, but they've lost their minds – literally. They don't talk, they don't listen – they're shells of the people they used to be. They're ghosts."

Remus buried his head in his hands. "Why do these things happen to such good people? Why not me?" He stood up, fury in his heart. "I've no family, I've no job – I'm a bloody werewolf! I'm a menace to society!" He sat back down, and gave Hestia the saddest look she'd ever seen. "Now two innocent boys have lost their parents, and I'm still alive."

Hestia watched Remus for a moment, then took a sip of her own tea. "Frank's mother took Neville by to see them, yesterday."

Remus looked up, all hope dashed from his eyes. Hestia continued, "Alice held him so tenderly, Augusta said. And the Healer told her that Frank cried when they left. They've been driven into madness, but they still love their son."

There was silence in the room. Remus looked up, and for the first time in weeks, he smiled. Hestia smiled back, then held out the plate of scones.

This time, he could taste just how bad Hestia's cooking was.

* * *

><p><em>the curtains closed on a kiss, God knows<em>

* * *

><p>"The full moon's tomorrow," Remus said tiredly, as if he could already feel the aches that were to come from that miserable night alone. Outside, the October wind howled.<p>

"I wish I could be there," Sirius whispered, lips trailing across Remus's neck. "But Dumbledore says-"

"Can we not talk about Dumbledore while naked in bed?"

Sirius laughed. "I still wish I could be there for you. All I'm going to be doing is sitting around, waiting until the latest attempt to kill Harry fails. I could be much more productive and spend the night with you."

"I'll survive." Remus trailed his fingers across Sirius's chest, down to his hipbone. "I've done it before."

Sirius shivered, and buried his face in the crook of Remus's neck. "I don't like the idea of you being alone."

Remus sighed, then pulled Sirius in for a long, proper kiss. "Neither do I. But like I said, _I'll survive_."

* * *

><p><em>we can tell the end is near<em>

* * *

><p>Remus, old and tired and as threadbare as his robes, glanced down at the map on his desk. It brought back memories, watching his best friend's son run across the ink, no doubt up to something troublesome. Harry was very much like James – when James had joined the Order and faced death and mayhem and so many terrible things. But Harry was just a boy; his parents never wanted him to become a soldier.<p>

He blinked, and wondered if the proximity to the full moon was making him hallucinate. Surely he hadn't seen Peter's name dart past Harry's; Peter Pettigrew was dead.

But there it was, no matter how many times he rubbed his eyes. And then – it couldn't be. He watched the dot labeled _Sirius Black_ charge towards Peter, charge towards Potter, and something overcame Remus.

Snatching up his wand, the man raced towards the dots, hoping that he wouldn't be alone much longer.

* * *

><p><em>where do we go from here?<em>


End file.
